


Falling Apart (But I'm here with you)

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Based on 3X16 promo and spoilers, Guilt, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Mental Breakdown, POV Alec, POV Magnus, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:29:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18302279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: Magnus is slipping away. Alec is falling apart.





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

It is the first time Alec properly gets to see Magnus so unguarded.

Yes, he's seen a glimpse of his bare face a few times, but Magnus always conjured up his usual makeup very quikcly against Alec’s wish. And when he was magicless, he always got up early in the morning to apply his tiger stripes. At least some part of him - whether it was his immaculate fashion or styled hair - still maintained glamour and flair even in his most vulnerable state.

Not like this.

With his magicked-makeup dropped and his hair floppy over the forehead, he almost seems like a young boy instead of the powerful man who has lived for centuries. His sculpted body, which never failed to drive Alec to a frenzy of lust, looks so fragile and small in the pale blue gown. The sight is so jarring and painful, and yet beautiful and precious at the same time.

 _How ironic_ , Alec thought, _I’m falling in love with you even more as you are slipping away_.

 “He looks… so different.”

Jace quietly murmurs. Alec didn’t even realize his parabatai was standing next to him. He nods without words.

 “I wish… I didn’t… I should have...”

The blonde shadowhunter struggles with his words, obviously trying to find a way to verbalize how he feels about this whole situation.

 “I didn’t acknowledge the extent of it.”

Alec hears guilt in his parabatai’s tight voice.

 “You did thank him.”

 “Not enough. I didn’t realize… I don’t know, I didn’t think he would...”

 _Neither did I_ , Alec thinks to himself. How he tried to cheer him up with sweet words – he feels like a fool now.

 "I'm sorry."

 “Jace, it wasn’t your fault. And you had a lot to deal with.”

 _This is my fault_. Alec swallows thickly as the bitter conclusion sinks in.

 “That’s not an excuse. I just… feel terrible. Look, if there's anything, anything I can do-”

 “You already helped. If not for you, things could have been worse.”

And it is true. Jace was the first one to run into Alec's office, sharing the sheer terror he was feeling. Jace called Catarina and summoned medics, while Alec was petrified in panic, mindlessly crying 'stay with me'. Everything happened afterwards was just a blur.

_Basically useless. And I am still._

 “Thanks, Jace.”

Jace again tries to say something, then gives up. He presses his hand firmly on his brother’s shoulder and walks out. Alec is surrounded by the eerie silence again.

He feels a surge of guilt and regret taking over him. How could it never cross his mind that Magnus might try to get his power back? And how desperate he was? If he had offered to help… or if he hadn’t let him go to Edom in the first place, things would have been different.

_I let him go. This is all my fault._

When Catarina comes in with test results, he is almost relieved to be distracted from the suffocating guilt.

 “The good news is he is at least stable for now. The magic in his body is dormant while he’s unconscious so he won’t deteriorate further for the time being. We have time until he wakes up.”

 “You'll figure things out, won't you?”

Catarina stares at Magnus before she looks up with teary eyes at the desperate young shadowhunter.

 “Magnus’ body is rejecting Lorenzo’s magic. I haven’t found any precedence to use as a reference because the spell has been rarely used on anyone. It is an extremely dangerous one and I'd have done everything to dissuade him if I had known sooner.”

 “Lorenzo must know what to do.”

 “I can’t guarantee that even he knows for sure. But if anyone is capable of anything, it must be him. Althought it won't be easy to get him to help.”

 “He must. He did this, fully knowing that he could kill Magnus.”

Alec feels almost blinded by his anger.

 “I’m not gonna let the son of a bitch get away with it.”

 “Wait, Alec, he should be carefully approached-”

He storms out, ignoring Catarina’s beckoning.

 

 

 

 

The door opens before his hand barely touches it. Inside is Lorenzo Rey's lean silhouette, turning his back towards Alec and looking out on the balcony.

He finds himself startled at the man's jarring presence claiming Magnus' loft. It feels so wrong Alec has to resist the sudden urge to push him over the balcony.

But not as wrong as Magnus lying on the hospital bed. Or the bloodstain on the carpet; by the Angel, the carpet will have to go or it will haunt him for eternity.

 “Mr.Lightwood.”

Lorenzo turns around, his face unreadable.

 “Mr.Rey.”

He isn’t prepared for this. His mind was too wrapped up in emotions to plan how he was going to ask his nemesis for a favour after threatening to take him down.

 “You must know why I'm here.”

Alec blurts out and the warlock scoffs a little.

 “Both you and your boyfriend seem to assume I'm a mind-reader. I can only guess this uninvited visit concerns Bane.”

 “He needs your help.”

And so does he. He doesn’t think he will be able to carry on with his life if he fails to save Magnus. He truly cannot live without him. Literally.

 “I heard his body is rejecting my magic.”

Alec feels his temper rising again at his apathetic statement.

 “You shouldn't have given it to him in the first place.”

Lorenzo raises his eyebrow.

 “I warned him. And he'd already known the risks anyway."

 “You shouldn't have agreed. It’s your duty to stop your ‘subordinate’ from making a reckless judgement.”

 “I'm not a babysitter. You're wrong to blame me."

And Alec knows that.

Deep inside, the one person he is truly blaming is himself. He is angry at himself more than anyone else, and he is only channeling the anger at Lorenzo because it is too large to endure without losing his saniity.

 "If anything, this whole thing is a trap of Bane’s own making.”

 “Don’t you dare -”

 “All for a mere mortal. I bet you were rather pleased when he became mundane, weren’t you?”

  “Stop it.”

 “It’s always the same. Every immortal being learns before they're a hundred that it is futile to be too attached to someone who will be gone in the blink of an eye, such a pity that Bane wasn't smart enough. How does it feel now that he's the one dying before you do?”

 “He _isn’t_ dying.”

Alec cuts him off with a tremor in his voice. He can’t bare to hear the word. Also he can’t bare the fact that he did feel a little relief when he realized Magnus would grow old with him, although he's never admitted even to himself.

 “There must be something you can do. It's your magic. There must be a way to reverse it, or, or…”

 “This whole thing is rather an unpleasant business for me. I have no wish to take part in it anymore.”

 “Magnus is _my world_. And if he dies, I swear-"

 “You'll what? He already is an embarrassing disgrace to warlocks, I don’t care if he dies a painful death."

That’s it – Alec snaps and raises his fist although beating him up is the least desirable tactic. But - perhaps fortunately - Lorenzo is quicker and he throws Alec away with his magic. It is a strong blow that knocks the air out of Alec’s lungs.

 “Be careful, Mr.Lightwood. It's not just me who can slip up.”

Lorenzo growls. And then there is a silence while Alec tries to get up to his feet.

But he can’t.

He has never felt so helpless, even when he thought he might lose his parabatai. He feels destroyed as he witnesses his world collapsing.

Without thinking, Alec kneels down before Lorenzo, his face already wet with tears. Even Lorenzo seems taken aback and the arrogant look on his face falters.

 “I beg you, please save Magnus, I don't care whatever it costs. Tell everyone that Alec Lightwood begged you and cried like a child. Humilate me. Say that I attacked you and I'm not fit for my position. Whatever you want. But please, please... I... I can't...”

Alec can barely speak as his sobs stop him. He has never cried in front of anyone, hell, he has never been reduced to tears like this even when he was on his own. It’s as if he’s drowning and can only think of one thing.

For a while the space is only filled with the sound of his sobs. Lorenzo finally opens his mouth.

 “Bane will have to agree. It is not about his feelings, which I can’t care less. I cannot take magic away from a warlock without their consent. It's completely against our morals regardless of my relationship with said warlock or their condition.”

 “But… surely there must be exeptions. Especially when he's...”

 “You don’t really understand warlock psychology for someone who cares great deal about one, do you? Some of us would die rather than living as a mundane.”

Alec ignores another painful stab of guilt as he’s reminded of the scale of Magnus’ sacrifice. _Magic connects me with everything, it's like the world keeps on and I'm not a part of it._ His words echoes in Alec's ears.

 “Let me know when he gains consciousness. Once he’s up and about he’ll start consuming his energy and magic again. And it is your job to persuade him if he refuses. I have no time for any hassles. Do you understand?”

Alec nods, still chocking on his tears. He can sense that this is all he can do for now.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Alexander wasn’t here, he would have easily chosen death over the life without magic.  
> But there is no way he can choose death over the life with Alexander, even if it means living with a hole that cannot be filled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a quote from the book 'My Alec, you've been so sad.' because I felt the contexts resemble in some ways.

Magnus looks down at the river flowing under the bridge.

Why is he here? Is he reliving the moment where he was standing at the edge of Blackfriars Bridge? And yet the surrounding seems unfamiliar.

He looks down at the river again.

It is vast and dark, as if its bottom can touch the other side of the earth. And it looks so velvety and warm. It is waiting there to embrace him. He leans further, mesmerized by the tempting invitation. There is no Camille to stop him this time. 

Just then. A strong hand snatches his and pulls him backwards.

_“Stay with me. Magnus, I love you, more than anyone in the world.”_

 

 

Magnus suddenly opens his eyes.

It takes him a while to register where he is. As he slowly recognizes the familiar blue light and runes on the walls, memories flood back: the excruciating pain, the blood, the fear and panic, Alexander’s voice crying out his name.

It is then when he sees the shadowhunter who’s asleep with his face buried on the bed. 

He tries to call Alexander’s name but stops at the burning sensation in his throat. He can’t get himself to sit up as his whole body feels like a big cotton pad soaked in water. A momentary fury washes over him at his own weakness and he lets out a big sigh. 

 _How embarrassing._ The great Magnus Bane is lying on a hospital bed like a feeble old mundane – not even a comfortable one at that.

_How did this happen?_

It all started as one certain man came into his life. What he initially thought was going to be a playful flirtation ended up altering everything. It has given him so much life and taken away a great deal at the same time, but Magnus will never regret that moment.

He gently strokes Alexander’s dark locks. Alexander stirs a little before suddenly jolting upright.

 “Magnus!”

 “Alexander.”

Magnus finally says, wincing at the pain as the sound rips through his larynx. His own voice sounds strange to his ears, unually hoarse and tight. But the physical pain is swept away when he sees Alexander’s face.

He looks absolutely haggard and haunted. Magnus' heart aches while an overjoyed Alexander presses a gentle kiss on his forehead and then on his hand, but never too passionately or on his lips as if even a slightly bold movement might break him. 

 “I thought… Thank you, thank you for coming back. By the Angel… Oh, I should- I should call Catarina-”

 “Alexander. Can we just stay like this for a moment?”

Magnus stops him and puts his hand on Alexander’s cheek. At this, the younger man relaxes and closes his eyes.

 “Oh, Alexander. You’ve been so sad.”

Tears well up in Alexander’s large eyes and Magnus feels a lump in his throat.

 “I’m sorry.”

He speaks softly after a long silence.

 “For what?”

_For being in love with you._

 “For hurting you. I should have told you...”

 “Magnus, don’t.”

Alexander squeezes Magnus' hand. He can tell from the red marks on the shadowhunter’s fingers that he has been wringing his hands, perhaps deliberately hurting himself to escape the sorrow, but he chooses to address it later.

 “It is me who should apologize. Magnus, I – I had no idea. I guess I was just… I didn’t see your pain. I was selfish.”

 “You were never selfish.”

 “I just… I was blinded by the idea of us growing old together.”

It doesn't surprise him. He could see it in Alexander’s eyes as he was encouraging him to cherish each moment, trying to convince him that fifty years was a long time. The way he was imagining themselves as an old couple. And Magnus couldn’t blame him, because even in the midst of fear, the thought warmed his heart.

But not his magic. 

He could never be truly himself without it. And would things have been different if had opened up?

A part of him knew that Alexander, being a twenty-three year old mortal, would not be able to fully comprehend a magicless warlock’s state of mind and yet would start blaming himself for it. He's always had the habit of blaming himself. 

 “Alexander, it wasn’t just you. I want that, too.”

 “But it’s not enough, isn’t it?”

 “Alexander, I wish it was enough. More than anything.”

Magnus replies with an unsteady voice. Alexander simply nods, like he expected the answer. After a pause, he looks up with determination in his eyes.

 “I’ll do everything to get your powers back. Your own magic.”

And then he hesitates for a moment. Magnus thinks he can sense what is about to come.

 “I went to see Lorenzo and he agreed to help you… by reverting the spell. It’s the only solution we’ve found.”

 “I see.”

Magnus replies, his expression empty and hollow. _So it all comes to this, after all._

Suddenly he feels nauseous at the thought of asking Lorenzo to turn him into a mundane again. Alexander carries on.

 “But Magnus… it’s your decision.”

 “What do you mean?”

Now there is fear seeping through the shadowhunter’s brave face.

 “Lorenzo said he couldn’t do it if you don’t agree, because some warlocks would... die rather than living without magic.”

 “Alexander.”

 “I want you in my life and I want us to live for as long as we can. I want you to choose to live. And I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. But... but I can't force you to make the choice if you don't...” 

He stops rambling as he swallows a sob. Tears start rolling down his pale face.

 “Alexander, look at me.”

And he does. Magnus takes in every detail of his face. His hazel eyes, so full of blinding love. And thinks how far they have come. How the fate has changed. The life before he met this man seems so far away now.

If Alexander wasn’t here, he would have easily chosen death over the life without magic.

But there is no way he can choose death over the life with Alexander, even if it means living with a hole that cannot be filled.

 “I’m not leaving you, you stupid angel. My heart would have turned into stone if you hadn’t picked it up. You’re... my saviour.”

Alexander’s watery eyes beam with relief. He reaches his fingers to wipe away the tears on Magnus’ face.

 “And you’re my saviour. Magnus, I love you.”

And despite the quiet darkness still lurking at the bottom of his heart, Magnus can’t help but feeling overwhelmed by the love.

 

 

 

The reversal is quick and simple enough. Lorenzo only has to take back what was never properly attached to Magnus’ body in the first place. He feels something lifted off of him and vanishes, but the impact is not even close to the blow he felt as his father took _his_ magic; the sensation still makes him shudder every time he recalls it.

He remains mostly silent during this, holding Alexander’s hand. He does not ask about getting his loft back; he already knows the answer and he is too drained to argue or fight. He only wants peace now, however short-lasting it might be. He’s rather relieved that Lorenzo is decent enough to maintain a professional demeanor instead of making sardonic remarks on his current state.

As soon as Lorenzo leaves, Alexander cups Magnus’ face and pours kisses. The man who was once a warlock reciprocates the kisses, taking all the consolation and comfort from them. After what feels like eternity – Magnus wishes it could last for eternity –, they let their foreheads touch, leaning into each other.

 “What do I do now?”

The former warlock asks quietly.

 “Well… for a start, you need to eat something and get better.”

 “Please tell me the Institute has something better than those pancakes.”

Magnus rolls his eyes dramatically and Alexander heartily laughs for the first time.

 “How about I get you waffles? From the cafe across the street? You always loved that place.”

 “That sounds better. Also I’d appreciate it very much if you can bring my clothes. Any of them. I’m dust desperate to get out of this hideous gown.”

 “Will do.”

They look at each other warmly, happy to have some normalcy back. Magnus steps forward.

 “And when I'm better… let's go look for our new place.”

Alexander grins happily and nods, remembering their promise. The promise they’d made before all this happened. He pulls Magnus closer and kisses his unpainted fingernails.

 “Magnus, I meant it when I said I’d do anything to get your powers back. I promise.”

And as preposterous as it may sound, Magnus lets himself believe his declaration.

 “I know. I love you, Alexander.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all ready for tonight's episode, cuz I'm not!


End file.
